Rain/Impatience/Regret

421 South College Ave.

1505 West Second Street.

A world apart. Just down the street, really.

Why must I go? It was rainy today. There was a meeting here at work. I was not included in this meeting about online classes, but to leave at 9:00 would be to leave my post unattended. To insist that I leave right on time would be to insist that God requires my presence in order to accomplish His will, I think. I also have obligations to my employer. So I waited. I talked to God about it. I trust Him, and I don't think I was denying Him to wait. Abortions happen all day long, apparently at Planned Parenthood.

If I were there to save lives, I would be arrested every week. I would invade the no-fly zone. I would be in the faces of the people there. I would block the way, pleading for reason and justice.

Your purpose defines your activity. Your belief defines your purpose.

I am not there to save lives. I have talked to God about this. He calls me there so I go. He knows who I am, and He calls me anyways. Good and upright is the Lord, and He teaches me His way for I am a sinner (Ps.25). I am available, and last week, He taught me, I think that He will give me words when He wants me to talk. I am there, like Ezekiel, to proclaim God's truth; to warn of coming wrath; to offer the way of Salvation. If God would use me to save a life or to convict of sin and point to Him, I am there.

(Man, that sounds so much like a cop out! God! Search me and know my heart. Create in me a clean and steadfast heart. Reveal any wicked way in me. Lead me on the path of righteousness for your name's sake!)

After my time of worship, I feel close to God. I feel cleansed. I feel like I am saturated with God; through and through and dripping. Sometimes I walk away talking to God or singing to Him still. I seriously feel like my feet are not touching the ground sometimes.

After last week, I looked forward to Thursday morning. I'm sure this is NOT right. Maybe that's why He brought the rain, and sent me there late, and alone. (Alone times at Planned Parenthood are always clarifying times.) I think, if I were honest, I would think that I thought people paid attention to ME last week... I would think that the way I behaved and the words I said made a difference. I would admit that I forgot that only God can change a heart of stone to flesh.

I am not sure why I am there, but I'm pretty sure it is not to bring attention to myself. I'm quite certain that it is to proclaim truth, magnify God and shine a light, not on myself, but on sin. Being in this place of iniquity and death should cause me to be downcast, not uplifted.

When it is raining, no one stands outside to hear my droning. No one stays to ignore more than a sentence or two of Scripture. The rain quickly washes the hymns out of the air to splash on the pavement below.

There was a very large man waiting in a very large pickup truck. Its rumbling motor hummed most of the hour I was there. He seemed to be alone. Then, he turned off the motor, went inside, and came out with his arm around a little girl just as I was preparing to leave. He looked at me, to make sure that I was no threat and put her in the pickup truck and drove away. This time I cried as I walk back down College Avenue to my car. I returned to work soaked and discouraged.